So you have spent months or even years trying to prove you're not the mom they say you are. You've apologized, you defended yourself, and probably bent over backwards only to feel more misunderstood. So this video is about the moment that everything can shift and you're gonna learn how to stop fighting for someone else's approval and start fighting for your own peace. ~So today I have four points for you on this. Uh, ~let's get started. Number one is detaching. Without abandoning, there's a big difference. You know, you're not cutting them off. What you're doing is you're gonna release control while still keeping the door unlocked the porch light on whatever phrase you wanna use. That's what you need to keep in mind, is that you're not cutting them off, you're releasing the control. So when you are obsessing over the silence or you're replaying arguments, or you're feeling responsible for ~the outcomes, specifically ~their outcomes in whatever's going on in their life, [00:01:00] this is when you need to do this. And so what do you do? Well, first of all, I want you to identify what is yours and what is theirs. Literally, ~you know, ~ever since I was a kid, I used to write pros and cons lists. Here, I want you to do the same thing. I want you to write two columns. I want you to write down what you can choose and what you cannot choose. So things, for example, you could say, you know, you can choose your response, you can choose your finances, ~you know, ~the enabling piece. Maybe if that's you and you're giving them money, ~et cetera. ~If it's ~taking, ~being taken advantage of with time, you can choose that. You can choose your availability for those kinds of things. Things that you can't choose, that you don't have control over. ~You know, ~you can't control their beliefs, you can't control their decisions, you can't control their tone, their body language, all of those kinds of things. So make that list, ~right, decide.~ Then you need to decide for yourself, and each of you is gonna be a little [00:02:00] bit different. You need to decide what is the amount of energy, ~the amount of ~time, ~the amount of ~access that you can offer without sacrificing your own health sanity, sleep. Marriage, the rest of your family, your job, ~all of these things, these are all, ~you need to decide what capacity you can give. So I want you to be able to communicate that with them. If you're in a place with your child where you're able to do that and you are in some communication, you just wanna keep that warm and short, consistent, you know, keep the consistency. It's a big thing. In a way. This is kind of a boundary. ~Right. ~This doesn't need to be a sermon. This doesn't need to be, well, because you did this, then this is what I'm willing to do, et cetera, et cetera. No, just keep it warm. ~So ~you could just tell them that yes, you're there for them. I'm here for some healthy, respectful contact and I love you, but I need to step back from this back and forth because it's harming both of us. You can tell them you're not gonna argue, [00:03:00] but when. You both are calm, you're very open to talking, right? You can love them well and still surrender the outcome. I think some of us forget that we're still in fix it mode and we haven't surrendered it. So we feel like ~we, ~there must be something else we need to do, and more times than not, there isn't anything else for you to physically do. What happens is when you explain your choice in different ways. ~Then ~you open yourself ~up ~and the relationship up for debating, right? So if you are, let's say you are trying to do that, but you're still checking their social media accounts or you're still texting just to see, ~so ~that can be sneaky. That's not healthy for you. So before you do anything like that, I guess I would propose maybe give yourself a 24 hour pause. If [00:04:00] you, I always recommend pausing, but if you are one that really does a lot of that, give yourself 24 hours or 12 hours, whatever it is, if you feel that you're gonna reply with something that, that is defensive, ~uh, ~then ~I, ~I encourage you to do that. I encourage you to give yourself that pause. Number two is letting consequences be the teacher. If you shield your children from the weight of their choices. You're also ~stopping and ~shielding them from ~the ~growth. And I know you know this, if you're a mom, unless this is the first time you've, you found me, or this whole concept of estrangement and you haven't heard that before. Well, I'm here to tell you. That is so true. We don't wanna shield them. We don't wanna stop their growth, their emotional responsibility, their personal responsibility. We do it sometimes. A lot of moms, what's happening is they're enabling. To make themselves feel better because then you feel like you're actually participating in the relationship and you're [00:05:00] fixing 'cause you're doing what moms do and moms fix when they're little. That is our job. We need to fix these things, right? Bigger adult children, bigger problems. So when your child is demanding money, maybe they're demanding, babysitting, a place to live, but yet they're still disrespectful. You have to decide what are your non-negotiables? What will you no longer finance or fix? You really need to write this down for yourself and be really specific. And you can even say, here's what support from me looks like. This is what support from me looks like. And then you have to hold steady my friend, because every time what happens is you do this just once. Every time you give in just once more, you restart that cycle. You know what? I'm not available for emergency cash. I believe you can problem solve this. I believe in you. I know that you're gonna figure it out. [00:06:00] You're very smart. I know you're gonna figure this out. You know, God is faithful to finish his work in them. You don't need to play savior. Trust me, I did the same thing in regards to trying to fix everything, and it got me nowhere. ~And so ~what happens typically is we'll do this emotional bargaining ~with almost ~with ourselves. Like if ~you, ~you're thinking ~to yourself, ~if I say no, he or she's gonna cut me off forever. ~Right?~ So what about if we look at this more like working on yourself this week and choosing one, even just one rescue that ~you'll stop doing.~ ~One rescue, ~you'll stop doing. Your one sentence response, ~right,~ for yourself. So if you are realizing that this is exactly where you get stuck, I'd love to help. ~And ~you could book a heart to heart consultation. This isn't just a conversation about your situation, it's a guided call to help you find clarity and direction in your healing process. And this is for moms who are ready [00:07:00] to consider coaching. ~And so ~if that's you, I would love to have that conversation with you and ~we can ~see if this is a good fit. Just remember, you do not have to go through this alone. The link to that is in the show notes and in the description. Number three is reclaiming your emotional space. You know your mood and your peace don't come second anymore, ~right?~ They almost kind of become second to their texts, their labels, their silence, all this pain. But when you spiral after every message or your whole day is hijacked by what they might do, this is when you know we need to do this. You need to create, for example, a response window. So times that you check messages. Maybe you only check your messages during a certain timeframe,~ right? ~And don't give into that in between and not responding to the negativity. ~Right, ~not responding to the negativity of ~if there is ~a disrespectful [00:08:00] text, ~and ~I know a lot of the moms that I work with, this is what I teach them because we have got to stop participating in that. ~So ~somebody's gotta stop the cycle. ~You know, ~you can care without carrying, and you can respond from peace and not panic. It's really easy ~to reply, ~to respond to ~reply. To resort to the ~panic, the worst case scenario. But you have to know that you have to have that internal peace, Otherwise you're acting out of your own pain. ~Right? ~And that's what we need to get to the bottom of. What happens too, and I was so guilty of this one, is just one more peek at their social media. I just need to know if she's alive. I just need to know what she's doing or what he's doing. So give yourself some check-in windows for messages, maybe giving yourself, ~uh, ~you know, this pause before replying, if that's you and you are in communication. ~And lastly, ~number four, replace the [00:09:00] reactivity with reflection. ~So ~instead of reacting to everything that they do, what if you journal? What if you really reflect on it, when you pause, that protects you. It protects your dignity. And maybe this will really make you wanna do it. It's gonna protect and help the relationship's future. The more you pause, the better relationship you're gonna have in the future when you are getting accused or labeled or baited into defending your whole record as a mom. Almost like a rap sheet is how some of you have described it to me. You have to ask yourself. Am I reacting to shame, fear, or the need to be right? Will this response to my son or daughter build a bridge into this future relationship or will this build a wall and put up even more defenses? So we wanna make sure that we [00:10:00] choose a response that is neutral. We don't wanna talk about history, we don't wanna justify. That will get you nowhere. We know that right? But when you can say, I'm willing to talk when we're both calm and respectful, or, I hear you. I love you. I'm gonna reflect and I'm gonna reply tomorrow. And if they come back at you with a see I told you, you could just ignore that. Ignore that. Give yourself some grace and call it a night. Don't debate labels. If you wanna share a specific request for something, you can say, I'm listening. Remember, a soft answer turns away wrath. And if they continue to come at you, that's where you just ignore. And ~if ~for moms ~who were ~doing that to their kids, I would encourage the children to do the same. So I hope that you can, maybe this week get a [00:11:00] journal, make a little notes template, whatever it is. If you do it online, I encourage you to do pen and paper. It's the best way. Get a book. ~All of those kinds of things. ~Make yourself some notes. And lastly, number five is focusing on what you can control. If we all just focused on what we can control, I want you to invest your time, your energy, where you have authority, your habits, your health, your purpose, and your people. When you feel powerless or isolated or stuck. Waiting for them to change. First, you will sit there and isolate yourself for, I don't know how long, but I want you to identify that you can still have a win in your life. You can, you still have purpose. Do something for yourself physically. Do something for your heart Journal prayer. ~Have a community win. Have lunch with a friend.~ Really clarify, what are your boundaries? What are your [00:12:00] personal limits? What are you willing to do and what you're not willing to do? When are you available? What topics will you engage in? What makes sense? What doesn't make sense? Build a life that sustains you outside of the relationship with your children. This is about protecting your heart and your peace. We do need to protect those things 'cause nobody can do that for you. I can't do that for you. Nobody can. But always remember that your joy is rooted in God, not in this outcome. I don't know how long this is gonna go on for you. I do know that God's gonna restore your family. I don't doubt any of that. It doesn't matter how bleak it looks. You have to remember that your joy is rooted in him and not in just the family situation. So I hope this helps you today. Get that journal, get the pad of paper, whatever you wanna do, but start taking these notes and [00:13:00] I hope these five tips have helps you today. I'll see you in the next episode. God bless.