[00:00:00] Have you ever felt like you're trapped in a painful cycle with your adult child? And no matter what you do, it just leads to more silence. Rejection or heartbreak, you're not crazy and you are not alone. And over the years I've seen four distinct estrangement patterns kind of emerge in the lives of the moms that I work with.

while knowing the pattern isn't going to magically fix your pain, it might give you some clarity. And sometimes that's the first step towards healing, growth, and hope. So let's dive in.

The first one is the gradual drift. when closeness that you had with your son or daughter starts to slowly fade. This is the kind of estrangement that creeps in quietly. And I know a lot of moms who come to mind right now that are dealing with this. And at first it's small things, 

It might be that they stop calling as often. Conversations [00:01:00] get shorter, maybe a little bit more abrupt, and their updates on their life may become vague or even non-existent. eventually, your texts may go unanswered, your invitations to dinner or even a holiday, maybe they're ignored. It's not necessarily one big blowout moment.

It's the slow erosion of connection. Which is so heartbreaking, and this is where you as a mom, start second guessing yourself and you're thinking, did I say something wrong? am I too much? But the truth is, in many cases with this gradual drift, your child may have been emotionally disconnecting for a while before you ever noticed.

And the confusion that happens on your end is that's what's bringing this deep. Pain because there's no clear reason to grieve. It's just this like lingering ache that something precious, this relationship that [00:02:00] you once had is missing. So that might be you. Number two is the sudden cutoff when the door slams right in your face, 

The door slams, but there's no warning. It's this sudden cutoff almost like a hurricane, like everything seems fine. Or at least tolerable. You know, it might not have been perfect, but out of nowhere, you're blocked, you're ghosted, or you're told, I don't wanna talk to you anymore. Maybe it was a disagreement, maybe it wasn't anything that you could even pinpoint necessarily.

one mom that I coached said that her daughter stopped speaking to her after a comment that was made at a family dinner and something that she thought was completely harmless, but for her daughter, it was the final straw. So it's almost like overflowing that cup that was already full and sudden.

Estrangement can feel the most shocking because it's so jarring and feels so final your mind is spinning, you're rereading every text message, every [00:03:00] email, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. if that is you and you find yourself stuck in these painful patterns, especially if the silence came outta nowhere or maybe it didn't, I wanna invite you to book a discovery call.

It's a 30 minute consultation with me. It's not a coaching session. it's reserved for moms who realize they can't do this on their own. It's a safe space where I can hear you and I can see you, and it's a zoom call and I'm gonna be able to get some clarity on the situation. But also, what do you really want?

Like what kind of relationship do you want with them in the future? what needs to shift, what needs to change? And you do not have to figure this out alone. this is where I come in and I'm able to help. like I said, it's not a coaching call, but I look forward to chatting with you when you are ready for that.

And you can click the link below in the show notes to find that discovery call. Alright, number three, this one's tough. This is the on again, off again cycle. Someone might call it [00:04:00] the pocket parent, the emotional whiplash, right? It's exhausting. One week they're texting you like nothing happened. And then the next, they're gone again.

Maybe they pop in when they need something, or maybe they reach out with this, you know, burst of love and warmth that gives you hope, and then in the next breath they pull it away just as quickly. Like I said, I've heard some moms call it emotional whiplash, and you try so hard not to say anything that might mess it up, right?

But you're constantly anxious, you're walking on eggshells. You never know where you stand. This pattern can cause deep emotional fatigue and anxiety, and it makes it hard to even trust our own feelings sometimes, let alone theirs, let alone their intentions. It's hard to even wrap your head around this.

And lastly, number four is the outside influence when someone else is pulling the strings. Some of you have daughter-in-laws or son-in-laws that might be pulling those strings. [00:05:00] Ex-husbands, and one of the most. Disorienting patterns that I've seen is when it's heavily influenced by someone else. it might be a spouse, it might be an ex-spouse, it might be a friend, or maybe it's social media voices.

It can feel like your child has been convinced to almost rewrite their past, rewrite their history, and you're being painted as this villain in a story that you didn't even write. One mom told me that after her daughter started therapy, and again, I'm just gonna preface this with I am not dissing therapy.

There is a time and a place and there are amazing therapists out there, those are the ones that you need to find. If you're looking for therapy, just do your homework. That's all I'll say on that. I had a mom who told me that her daughter started therapy and then she received, the mom then received a letter outlining all the ways that she had failed.

Many of them were [00:06:00] complete surprises. Now, let's be honest, we're moms. We've all made mistakes. We're human beings. If you don't have anything on that list, you're not being honest with yourself, But when some of these things come at you as a complete surprise, you know you're trying to reach your child, but it feels like everyone else's opinion is in the way, and it makes you feel helpless and misunderstood.

So no matter where you find yourself in one of those four patterns that I've seen over and over again, you are not alone and there is always hope. I look forward to talking with you on the discovery call when you're ready. in the meantime, I will see you in the next episode.

God bless.