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In this episode, I speak to the mom who just opened her phone to a painful message from her adult child—maybe full of blame, accusations, or anger. I know how deeply that hurts. I walk you through four things you need to do before you respond, starting with the most important: regulate your emotions. That initial emotional wave—the tight chest, the panic, the shame—needs to be met with calm, not reaction. I share how to stop, breathe, and move to get out of that fight-or-flight state before doing anything else.
Next, we dive into discernment—asking if a response is even necessary right now. Just because the message was sent doesn’t mean you owe an instant reply, especially if it was hurtful or manipulative. Silence can be a boundary, not abandonment. And if there’s even a sliver of humility in their words, you’ll want the clarity to meet it with wisdom. I also share the importance of avoiding common mistakes like reacting too quickly, explaining too much, or guilt-tripping without realizing it.
Lastly, I remind you that you don’t have to carry this alone. Your peace matters too. We talk about finding strength through community and setting emotional boundaries without shame. And if you’re struggling with how to respond, stay tuned for the next episode where I’ll guide you step-by-step. In the meantime, I invite you to the Rise Retreat this October—a space for healing, clarity, and connection. You are not alone in this.
KEYPOINTS FROM THIS EPISODE
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Don’t respond immediately to heated or painful messages—start with emotional regulation.
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Discern if a response is necessary, and give yourself time (1–2 days at least).
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Silence can be a healthy boundary, not abandonment.
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Avoid guilt-tripping, over-explaining, or defending too fast.
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Acknowledge receipt if needed, but don’t rush into conflict.
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Your peace is not something you need to earn.
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Community builds resilience and perspective.
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Pause and protect your heart before reacting.
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More guidance on how to respond is coming in the next episode.
QUOTABLE MOMENTS
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This is not the time for resolution—it’s the time for regulation.
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Stop, breathe, and move. Get out of the moment and into yourself.
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Silence is a boundary, not abandonment.
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You don’t need to explain everything to be heard.
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Just because they reach out doesn’t mean you owe a fast response.
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You can hold onto your peace even when they’re pushing you away.
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This is not about being perfect—it’s about being present.
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You don’t deserve peace less because your child is hurting.
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Community builds emotional resilience you can't find alone.
TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EPISODE
So you open your phone and there it is, the
message or the letter from your adult child. Maybe it's blaming you, accusing you,
or even lashing out. And what happens then is your chest is tightening, right?
Your stomach drops. And so what do you do? ~What? ~Now I promise you, this is
not the time or the moment to respond. This is the moment to breathe. And in this
video I wanna walk you through exactly. ~Four, ~four things you need to do
first to survive the emotional shock wave of this note or letter
with grace, clarity, and strength. Number one, always has to start with emotional
regulation of yourself, and sometimes that's the hardest, right? But surviving that first moment,
the first impact you could call it. That moment when you read something that [00:01:00] triggers
deep, deep pain within yourself and your nervous system reacts, ~right? ~You go into fight or
flight and you're not even sure what to do next. ~So ~the urge is gonna be to respond immediately
and probably to defend yourself. Or maybe you're falling into shame or panic, but ~I want
you to stop. ~I want you to stop all of that for a moment. I want you to ground
yourself. You need to get out of that fight or flight moment. You remember the
old saying, stop, drop and roll in a fire. I like to say, stop, breathe, and move because
you need to stop what you're doing. Whatever you're doing, I need you to stop and I don't
want you to respond. I want you to breathe and then I want you to move your body. Get
outside wherever you currently are at, where you read that note. If you're in
your office, ~if you're, you know ~at work, ~if ~wherever you are, I want you to move
out from ~where ~that particular place ~is.~ ~And ~if you're able to get outside [00:02:00]
and walk, ~if you ~go for a walk, go outside, walk around your house, whatever you need to
do ~and ~you need to just breathe, you need to calm down because this is not about resolution
right now. This is about regulation of yourself, and ~that is, ~that is by far number
one. You may think, well, what then? Well, number two is discernment. ~I~
want you to think about should you even respond, ~okay? ~And this doesn't
mean forever, but I mean in this moment, at a minimum, I recommend at least one to two
days before you respond to a heated message, something that is out of the blue
and really has taken you sideways. I want you to think about it. I want you to journal. ~I want you to ask yourself a couple
questions. ~Is there a sincere desire to connect? So is your son or daughter truly trying to connect
with you in this message? Or is it just hate? Is it blame and bitterness? ~Right? ~And what are
you hoping ~for ~will happen if you respond? So I want you to think about these
things. ~What do you fear will happen if you don't? Right? ~What do you fear will
[00:03:00] happen if you don't respond? And do you have any proof that it will.
Some of you respond outta fear that, oh my gosh, if I don't respond right away,
they're gonna be even more angry with me. ~Right?~ But you want to be very thoughtful
in a response, which is why it should never happen immediately. ~And ~if that message
was abusive, ~right, ~or manipulative, you do not have to engage in that. ~And just
~remember that we talk about boundaries a lot, and silence is a boundary. It's not
abandonment, but it's a boundary. It's that you're not gonna participate in
that. ~And so. ~What you could do is if you're feeling like, you know what, there is a
sliver of humility, or maybe they are asking a question that could be an opening, maybe in a new
relationship with them, but take your time. So if you're that mom sitting here watching this, and
you're kind of in that in between, you're hurting, you're unsure what to do, you're afraid to
make it worse, you know you're not alone. I would like to welcome you to the Rise retreat
this October where we're gonna dedicate real time to this exact kind of [00:04:00] pain, ~and
~I want you to know that you can hold onto your peace all the while your child is pushing you
away. And so how you respond or not respond, ~right? That ~takes wisdom. ~And so also ~for the
first time ever, my daughter will be joining us at this retreat and we're gonna be doing a live q
and a with her, ~um, ~in addition to other guests. And we're gonna have a lot of
fun. There might be some tears, but you know what? These moms, those of you
moms that have ever come to my retreats, it is the most beautiful weekend and it's going to
give you strength. To move forward in this storm, right? ~All the while. So ~all the
details are below in the show notes, and if you have any questions, you can
email us at the email address below as well. Number three is common mistakes to
avoid. ~Alright, so. ~The biggest thing, like I mentioned earlier, is responding too fast.
We don't wanna do that, ~right?~ Because then your emotions are the one controlling everything,
not your wisdom, ~right? ~So if you feel like you have to try and explain everything, that
is not going to be helpful at all.[00:05:00] It's going to make you sound more defensive
or even dismissive ~really. ~You could be guilt tripping and not even realizing it,
and that fuels shame and will push them further away. So we don't want you to feel
depleted or resentful. ~So ~we ~do ~need to ~really ~navigate this very carefully. ~And
~remember, this is not about being perfect. ~It's, ~it's about being present and ~it's
about being ~safe within yourself and knowing that just because they reach out doesn't
mean you need to fast and hard response. One thing that a lot of moms do
also is, as long as it's not a heated message. But you're still not sure
how to respond. You could acknowledge it. You could acknowledge and say, I received
your text, or I received your email. I will be responding soon. You know, something real simple,
loving like that. Um, but lastly number four is, ~you know, ~you don't have to carry this
alone. This is. Not a time to think about, oh, I made these mistakes. My child is hurting, so
therefore ~I, ~I don't [00:06:00] deserve peace. That's just not factual. And so you have to
protect your own heart in this. ~Um, ~so just remember community. ~Um, ~will build
emotional resilience in you. We don't have to chase the validation of what
they say. ~Um, but ~I do want you to consider also more detail on how to respond
is going to be in my next video this week. So stay tuned for that one. And I hope that
helps you today. If you are that mom that has ~that, uh. That E, ~that email or text that is
heated and you're just not sure what to do or how to respond. I hope this video helped you and
that you, my friend, ~you ~just need to pause. You really need to take a pause and get your
own emotions in check before you say anything. So we'll see you in the next video. God bless.
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