Have you been called toxic by your adult child when all you did was love them the best way that you knew how? I know it stings, doesn't it? And it leaves you wondering, did I really cause that much harm? Or is something else going on here? If you've been questioning your worth, your memories, or even your identity as a mom, this video is for you. So, today I have four points for you on this topic. Let's dive right in. Number one is not all conflict is toxic. It feels that way when you're the one being blamed. Let's start with what is validation. You know, validating toxicity. That is a very specific type of heartbreak that comes from being labeled. Being labeled toxic by your own child is probably not something you ever thought would happen, especially if your intent was always to love. So, if you're that mom and you're sitting there replaying every moment, every decision you ever made, wondering, "Was it all wrong? Did I make all wrong choices here? Or where did I go wrong?" And you're starting to blame yourself for everything. I want you to think about something because conflict is not the same as toxicity. Shame or scream at their kids non-stop. Not to say that didn't ever happen. We all as moms, right? We all had those days that we would like to take back. Most moms showed up, provided and sacrificed, and their protection was manipulation. So, I want you to think about the cultural shift that your kids are living in right now because we're living in a time where everything is being re-evaluated and unfortunately sometimes mischaracterized. I believe that pop psychology has made its way into every conversation and terms like narcissist, which we just did a video on, gaslighting, toxic, these words just get tossed around without any context. So, your child might not be intentionally trying to hurt you. They might simply be trying to make some sense out of their own pain, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the label fits. So, like I said before, could there be some things that you could have done differently? Of course. But being an imperfect mom, which we all are, is not the same as being toxic or poisonous. So number two is why are they using the word toxic? And I believe that it's a lot of it is happening under the surface. When they're using the word toxic, it can come from many places. I don't know exactly where your child is getting it from, but usually it's the inner world rather than an actual behavior. And here's a few reasons why it happens. And one is projection. displacing their own pain or shame or even confusion onto you. Why? Because you're mom and you're the safest emotional target. We always are. Sometimes they hear it from peers. Sometimes a friend or therapist gives them a lens that redefineses your role. It doesn't take a therapist to go do that. And I'm not saying all therapists do because they don't. There's some amazing therapists out there. I'm just saying what I have seen and it's becoming more rampid which is why I want to talk about this today. If your child is going to therapy, I hope they're healing privately, processing some of these things, but they're not bringing you into that process. So, what you hear is this accusation and not the whole story. In the therapist's eyes, that's all they're hearing, too. They're just hearing one side of the story. It doesn't mean that your son or daughter's feelings aren't real, because they surely are. But real feelings can still come with distorted narratives. Being told how much you damage them while not being given a chance to speak or explain or grieve yourself, that's devastating. And so, I want you to know that your pain is valid, right? Your pain is valid. So is theirs. And it's possible that they're needing some distance from you for a while versus your moral character. Do they have some valid complaints? Sure. Does that mean it was toxic? Not necessarily. So, if you're a mom and you're stuck in this painful place, you're being accused, misunderstood, and kind of left without a road map, then I want you to know that you don't have to walk this alone. You can book a discovery call with me. It's a safe, judgment-free time where you and I will walk through some highlights of what's going on and figure out what kind of support fits where you are right now. And the link for that is below. And also, if you're craving connection in live person, you want some healing, I want to personally invite you to my rise retreat this October in Florida. This is our third time gathering for this life-changing weekend. This one's extra special because my daughter will be there for the first time sharing some time with you guys and doing a Q&A. But I want you to know you do not have to stay stuck in this heartbreak. There is still hope. There's still healing to be had and you're invited to come. So you can check all that information in the show notes. Number three is what does real toxicity look like? Right? Let's talk about that. What does it look like and what it doesn't look like? So bringing some peace into this could help because it is very confusing when you're hearing these labels and words, especially when they're being directed right at you by someone you love the most in the world. You know, many of you have been stuck in the what if I am what if I am toxic? And you're in this spiral. Toxicity is about power, control, and emotional harm that's consistent and intentional. That's probably not you. toxic behaviors. Maybe they are accusing you of regularly using guilt or fear to manipulate them. It is dismissing someone's feelings over and over again. It is refusing to ever take responsibility. Someone who is toxic is not going to take responsibility at all. And most of the moms that I work with have either done that, they have already asked for forgiveness and taking responsibility for things that have happened or they're they're on this road map. They're on this journey of doing so. Crossing boundaries on purpose is another one. Maybe out of anger as if they have the upper hand. But I want to tell you what is not toxic. If you're feeling hurt because your child shuts you out and then all of a sudden you're toxic, that's not fair. If you're wanting to maintain a relationship with them, that doesn't make you toxic. If you're asking for communication or some clarity over what it really is the issue, that's not being toxic. Maybe you've made some mistakes and you're apologizing with humility. Not just apologizing to apologize, but really wanting to change and making some shifts and being humble. That's not toxic. And it's also not toxic to have some expectations and maybe being disappointed when they're not met. So being a mom who struggles, who cries, who wants to fix things, that doesn't make you toxic. It makes you human. The fact that you're even watching this video and wondering, maybe praying about what to do next, that's not the behavior of someone toxic. A real toxic mom would not be watching this video. And this is the heart of a mom who cares and wants to improve the relationship. But that has to start with us, right? Because you cannot control anyone else. Number four is the labels. You can't control their label that they put on you, but you can control your healing. This is your reminder of hope that your child might be keeping the distance from you. They may believe a story about you that isn't the full truth. And that may not change tomorrow or next month, but I believe it will change. Let's focus on what is in your control and how you can care for yourself and how you speak to yourself and how you heal regardless of their choices because we need to make some shifts and we want to shift ourselves from shame to self-respect from trying to prove yourself to pursuing some peace in your own life. From waiting on them to working on you. We're going to talk about that in the next video. Because you can grieve and grow both at the same time. You can hope and protect your heart. Because you are carrying enough shame. It's time to rise. So you can love and let go. And it doesn't mean you don't love your children. You're preparing for that reconciliation. That is your job right now. And that means working on us because just because they gave you a label, that doesn't mean that's you. So, this is your time to being the one who's learning how to stand on her own two feet and then trusting God for the process. I hope this helped you. I'll see you in the next episode. God bless.