What do you do when your adult child starts telling a version of the past that you barely recognize? Maybe they've painted you as the villain, erase the good moments, or remembered events so differently that it feels like you lived in two different families. I hear this a lot with my clients and it's super confusing, right? It's painful and if you don't handle it carefully, it can make reconciliation even harder. Let's talk about what's really happening and how you as a mom can protect your peace while still leaving the door open for connection. I have four points for you today. So, let's dive right in. [Music] First off, memory is not a perfect recording for any of us. Our memories can fail us, even our kids. And depending on what we have going on in our life at the time, our brain doesn't always store events like this video camera like we think it would, like from point A to point B. Our brain can rebuild them every time we remember something, which I thought was super interesting because that also means that details can change. They can fade or maybe even unintentionally altered over time. And I'm not saying your kids are doing this intentionally, right? I don't believe a lot of them are. You might remember a holiday, let's say Christmas, as a warm and happy occasion. Everyone was together. But your child might remember the same day as super tense. Maybe they overheard a comment, not necessarily by you, but by someone in the family. Both memories feel real because they were shaped by a different perspective and different emotions were associated with it, but you were both in the same room at the same holiday. Their version isn't necessarily malicious, although it can feel that way, but it's filtered through the lens they had at the time. And that goes the same for you. Whatever you had going on in your world at the time, your lens may have shifted. Your emotions decide what sticks. The more emotionally charged a moment is, the stronger the memory, even if it's not accurate. I think we can make a list of things that, you know, we have these memories and they shift, right? Negative feelings, hurt feelings are going to lock in certain images or a narrative that may be correct, maybe incorrect. So, for example, a harmless family joke, right? It might be remembered by you as something playful, funny, but maybe your child again, maybe they were feeling sensitive or excluded that day. that might become a memory of feeling mocked. So, a lot of this harmless family stuff can be distorted. This matters because we need to stop fighting about what really happened. And that's usually what moms do unintentionally. We try to reframe it for them because we remember exactly what happened. Or fighting about what really happened can deepen that arangement. We don't want to do that because to them, their memory is their truth. That's their perception. That's the lens they saw it through. It may not be the same lens that you saw it through. Keep that in mind before we rush to defend ourselves. We need to consider how did this feel to them in that moment. And for most of us on a regular day, we're not thinking of that. We're just thinking of the memory that we had at a certain holiday or a certain family joke or a family dinner. But if you're facing this kind of painful rewriting of the past, you don't have to figure this out on your own. I work with moms every day who are navigating these same conversations and helping them find ways to respond without losing themselves in the process. You can book a private discovery call with me if you want to go deeper into coaching. The discovery call is not a coaching call. It's a consultation for moms who are ready to dive into either one-on-one or group coaching. If you want to join us in person, you're welcome to get some information on our October retreat here in Florida. We're going to be unpacking differences, perceptions, protecting your heart, all of those things here in Florida in October 10th and 11th. So, I'm super excited for that as well. And all the information is in the show notes or the description below. Number three is how perceptions become truth. So think about it. Over time, those perceptions have become someone's truth. Each time a story is retold, whether regarding ourselves or sharing it with someone else, it gets reinforced. Even if it's inaccurate, it becomes the reality. They may have shared their version with friends for years and now it's the only version they believe. So when you tell them, "Hey, that's not really how that happened," they're going to argue with you because they don't believe you. They don't think that's accurate because their perception is so much different. We have to accept that we may not change their version logically. The better way to do that is to focus on showing who you are today, the present character, letting that speak for itself over time. You know, we all have different perceptions. Think about that because as we have these different perceptions and you want to be able to have conversations around that, it becomes extremely difficult. You don't want to be defensive, but you also don't want to escalate anything. And so number four, responding without escalating is so important. We do not want to jump in with that. That's not how it happened, right? That's not how it went down. I promise you. You know, it feels invalidating to them. I've learned so much about this in my own arangement with my daughter and so many conversations that looked differently and I understand why that is in the beginning. I didn't like you. I didn't understand why she was saying certain things and I thought what in the world that's not how it happened you know it's okay to say I hear that's how you remember it. I understand that's how you remember it. My memory is different. I remember XYZ, right? But let's shift to the present. I'd like us to focus on what we can do differently. Let's focus on the here and now. Then we don't have that defensiveness. And that can keep the conversation from spiraling into some debate that nobody's going to win, right? You can't change how someone remembers the past, but you can choose how you respond in the present. This is a great way to protect your own peace and keep your heart open and letting your actions today tell the story you want remembered tomorrow. We can't go back 10 years, 15 years, or even a year. We can't change what happened and we can't necessarily change someone's perception. But over time, I do believe that can heal as well if it's completely distorted and that is what's keeping you apart. I'm really praying that will shift for them and that truth will reveal itself as well. I hope that helped. I'll see you in the next episode. God bless.