I used to explain myself every time my daughter would call me needy or controlling. And I'd start listing all the things I did for her, all the sacrifices I made, all the reasons I thought I was right. I wasn't trying to win an argument, but rather I was trying to escape the shame of feeling like I failed as a mom. But I learned something. When you keep defending yourself, you're actually defending your pain, not your peace. Today, I have four points for you. So, let's dive right in. [Music] Number one is recognize the real enemy. Recognize the real enemy. It's not your child. It is not your child. When your child says things like, "You were never there for me. You only cared about appearances and the highlight reel and how our family appeared to other people." Or, "You always had to be right." All of those things cut mom's deep, right? Every instinct in you wants to say that's not true. That's not truly the way it was. But rather, I want you to pause because defensiveness is not about protecting the truth. It's about protecting your own wound. Think about that. So many of you in arangement spend your energy trying to prove that you're not the villain. But when we get defensive, it tells your child that you're not allowed to have your version of the story. And you know what? They may not want your version of the story right now, but you need to have your own truth. And all you need to do, and rather than getting defensive, is to say, I can see that that's how you felt, or I can see that that made you feel that way. You don't have to agree with the story. You're not taking responsibility over something that's not yours. We're going to talk about that in a minute. You're going to choose connection over correction. Boy, think about that. If we all just chose connection over correction, how much better would our relationships be? Cuz the moment that you stopped fighting to be understood is the moment that you get to start healing. Number two is reframe responsibility. So we are all responsible for our part in every relationship in everything. And that's the part that you need to own. There's a big difference between taking responsibility and taking blame. If you want to share healthy responsibility to your child, those are things like saying, "I didn't always get it right. I'm sorry if that hurt you." But if you say, "It's all my fault. I ruined everything. I can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry for what a horrible mother I was. That's taking blame. You know, you're responsible for your actions, but not their perception. You can acknowledge it, but don't let it define you. I like to call this the 100% responsibility rule. Taking full ownership for what is yours, but releasing what is not. Some people will tell you to take responsibility for all of it. Just own it all. that will bring your child back. It may bring them back temporarily, but how is that going to work out for you in the long run? That would be my main concern with that because you need to stop defending. And when you do, you're going to make room for God to do some healing work in you and in them. If this is resonating with you and you're tired of living in defense mode, I want to invite you to the heart-to-he heart consultation that I offer. It's a guided conversation where you and I would look at what kind of support that I offer could finally bring you some peace, strength, and clarity that you've been praying for. You do not have to do this season alone. And if you're ready for considering coaching, then you can click the link below. It's in the description or show notes below, and schedule your heartto-heart. Number three is respond with calm, not control. And sometimes this is the hardest part. But once you practice it enough, it becomes much easier. So when the accusation hits and they say something that is unfair or untrue, your nervous system lights up like a Christmas tree. Your body is feeling this threat. I think before even your brain is able to process it. The first step is to pause and breathe. Some of you have heard me talk about Jefferson Fischer. I strongly recommend you follow him on Instagram or Facebook. His idea is to take a breath before each sentence, especially at the beginning. So don't rush to correct or clarify something. Take that breath, but anchor yourself in some peace first. And I do have a technique also. It's called the stop technique. S is stop reacting. You again, do not respond in the moment. That goes for texts, in person, or also over the phone. T is for take responsibility for your tone. The body language is also the tone. Our verbal expression is our tone. Be calm. Calm first, word second. Right? Always offer empathy. I want you to see how you'd feel that way. Put yourself in that person's shoes. In this case, your child. Sometimes it's hard to put ourselves in our child's shoes because we're the one on the other side of the equation. But I want you to partner in peace. When you're ready, that's when I want to be able to talk. Redo that P is partner in peace. If it can't be a peaceful conversation, don't have it because it's just going to have regrets attached to it. So, for example, let's say you were to say something in response to your child and you said, "That's not true. I gave you everything." But what if I would have said, "I can see how that felt to you in the moment. Help me understand what you need from me. How can I help you? How can I help you understand? Do you need me to just listen?" Those types of calm, peaceful explanations. It doesn't guarantee reconciliation, but it's going to guarantee your peace. And that is part of the equation that you can control. And number four is create a defensefree zone. I want you to practice going one whole day without explaining or justifying yourself to anyone. We get so defensive in the culture we live in. Everybody's offended and defensive and we just need to stop. You're going to be amazed at how much mental capacity and space opens up when you don't try to manage other people's opinions. I have to manage other people's opinions all the time. But I don't manage them anymore. I let them go. So this you could call your defense free zone. It's not about silence or stepping back or shrinking. It's about strength. It's about being stronger. And every time you resist the urge to prove something to them, you reinforce rather your own healing, which is amazing. And as you practice this and practice this, the best part, you don't even have to practice this with your kid. If you're if you're adult child and you are we're just you're in no contact mode right now. Practice this with others. This is about you. And guess what? You're not on trial. You're in transformation. The goal isn't to win your child's approval. I don't know when you're going to receive that. And I don't even know that you're looking for their approval. You just want to reclaim some peace. And I know that's what you want. And this is a great way to start is to stop being defensive. So, I hope this blessed you. I'll see you in the next episode. God bless.